It’s OK to Fake It
When was the last time you responded to a casual “How are you?” with, “I’m doing horribly, thanks.” You probably don’t feel compelled to confide your deepest, darkest feelings to the local barista during hard times. Don’t worry. It’s ok to fake it. When it comes to sharing raw thoughts and feelings, we have a filter for a reason.
We respond “I’m doing well, thanks, how about you?” when asked how we are, regardless of how we ACTUALLY are. It’s a part of many cultures' social norms, and although it’s absolutely, TOTALLY normal, social media psychology “experts” seem to want it to stop. They emphasize authenticity to the max and suggest that going along with social etiquette expectations equates to “faking it” or “wearing a mask.”
While this latest trend of encouraging being "authentically you" definitely has merit, there are some serious limitations to looking at it as an “all or nothing” situation. It’s true that letting go of the use of emotional armor can lead to great things such as deeper connections with others, improvements in self-esteem, and reduced anxiety, but like most things, it can also be taken too far. While it's important to get real with people you are close to, you can't just go around airing how you feel and what you think to everyone all the time–that is if you don’t want to end up in jail or the psych ward (or both!).
As a reminder, filtering isn’t even fully under conscious control. In the 1890s, Freud created the technique of “free association” in which he directed patients to say aloud everything that came to their minds without inhibiting anything. The idea was to explore the depths of the unconscious. The problem was (and is!) that resistance got in the way. The human mind has limits. The fact is, no matter how hard you try, you WILL cover up, hide, minimize, and outright lie, even to yourself, because it’s simply the way that the mind works. It protects itself. Some information is just too much…i.e. “you can’t handle the truth!”
Contrary to what you might read on Instagram, this tendency to deceive yourself and others isn’t necessarily a problem. In fact, it’s pretty important both for our own comfort and for sustaining relationships.
Think about it. We cover up our bodies for a reason…actually a few really good reasons. In addition to the law and the weather, we also refrain from showing all the cracks and crevices of our physical selves to the world so that WE can feel more comfortable. For most people, there are bits and baubles here and there that we prefer to keep concealed. Everyone has a different comfort zone. Yes, there are nudist colonies, but if you’re headed to one of those, you know what you’re getting into. It’s the same when it comes to bearing it all emotionally.
Another reason we hide our parts is as a courtesy to others. Certain situations and settings require different levels of coverage. You don't wear a swimsuit to a funeral, right? Most of us try to avoid being disturbing or disrespectful to others. Just because you’re ok with letting it all hang out doesn’t mean your rideshare is. There is virtually NO relationship in which sharing EVERYTHING (i.e. "stream of consciousness") is recommended… that is, if you have any expectation of keeping that relationship long-term.
For some people, there is a natural tendency to want to be "transparent" when emotions are high and feeling like you want to "get it off my chest." It may feel good temporarily, but It's not always best for the relationship. Recognizing and respecting the comfort zone of the other person (within limits) is part of the process of being in relationships. Taking it too far in either direction is where things can go awry.
There's a reason why we have a choice in whether or not we speak. Feelings, thoughts, and urges come and go, but spoken words have a tendency to hang around in the mind of the listener. Considering what your INTENTION is prior to sharing can make a huge difference.
When you consider your intention and ask, "what am I trying to bring about by saying this?" or "what am I hoping the effect of my saying this will be?," you are better able to make an informed decision. Consider the likely effect of what you have and to say and whether that is something you want. It's simple, but not easy to do when the moment is heated.
In short, it’s ok to set restrictive boundaries when it comes to sharing the inner workings of your mind and heart. Respect your own limits and don’t buy into the idea that there is something wrong with you if you’re more tight-lipped. You are the expert on you, after all.
Need help finding a therapist online? Tired of dead ends in your “find a therapist near me” search? Let us do the work for you. We find the perfect therapist for each of our clients. Call 615.274.8400 or email newclients@psychepllc.com for more information.
About PSYCHē
We found your therapist.
Our goal is simple: We want to connect you with your perfect therapist. The first step is to meet online with an expert PSYCHē clinician who knows the right questions to ask to find out what kind of therapist will be the best fit for you. After hearing your history, goals, and what you’re looking for (and NOT looking for!} we go to work getting you scheduled with someone who can help. Why wait? Leave the searching to us.
Here’s why we do what we do:
Finding a good therapist is hard — we should know. We’ve been hiring, training and supervising therapists since 2009. Not all of them make the cut or stand the test of time. We find good THERAPISTS, not business owners or social media experts, so you get matched with the right clinician the first time. And if it doesn’t work out, we’re here to make it right.
No online directory can make that promise.
A directory tells only part of the story. Just because your neighbor likes someone doesn’t mean they’re a fit for you. The fact is, finding the right therapist can be exhausting. That’s why we’ve done the work for you. Let us pair you with a great therapist. First, book a consultation with one of our in-house therapists who will ask the right questions to find out exactly what you’re looking for. Next, our team of expert clinicians will work their professional magic to pair you with YOUR perfect therapist. The only step left is meeting your therapist and…doing therapy!
You shouldn’t have to find your own therapist.
Sifting through hundreds of therapist profiles online is probably NOT how you want to be spending your time. Word-of-mouth is great, but it’s not always available… and you may not want to see the same therapist as your neighbor or co-worker. We all know that online reviews are biased and the bottom line is, it can be hard to get an idea of what someone is really like until you actually meet them. That takes work, time, and in the case of therapy, money. We’ve done the work for you so finding a therapist for yourself or a loved one doesn’t have to feel like your second job.
If we don’t have the right therapist, we’ll find the right therapist.
Our goal is to contract with good therapists in every state, each with expertise in specific areas. If there is a therapist you need but we don’t have, give us some time and we’ll locate one. Don’t like the therapist we matched you with? No problem, we’ll find another—and you won’t have to go through the annoyance and hassle of doing another information gathering session. Our job is to find you YOUR therapist so you can do your job and feel better fast.
