Helping Versus Enabling: What’s the Difference?
“Helping” someone involves doing (or not doing) something which improves the final outcome of a problem for another person. “Enabling” is any behavior that looks like help on the surface, but actually makes the problem worse in the long term.
I really think so much of it ends up boiling down to this: Are you doing it for THEM or for YOU?
On the surface, that may seem like a stupid question, “I’m doing it for them, of course!” But I challenge you to check again. Are you doing what you’re doing because you feel guilty? WHO feels guilty? You. Are you doing it because you don’t want to appear like you don’t care? WHO doesn’t want to be seen as not caring? You. Are you doing it because you just need some peace? Or because you are afraid of their response? Once again…you and YOU. Not that there’s anything wrong with doing things for yourself, it’s just important to recognize the difference between helping someone and doing something because it’s helping you feel better.
Something that helps YOU feel better may or may not truly help the other person. In fact, it may even make the problem worse. Some mistakenly believe their enabling is “helping” because they misread the meaning of the other person’s reaction: Because the receiver expresses appreciation, seems happier (at least briefly), and/or appears to have a more positive view of them, the “helper” concludes that they MUST have helped. That is a mistake in logic. If therapists judged the effectiveness of their interventions in the same way, we would only tell patients things that they want to hear! Not exactly “therapy.”
If you’re wondering whether you might be enabling, here are some important questions to ask yourself:
Is the problem getting better, worse, or staying the same overall?
How would the “help” I’m giving be perceived by others? Can I even tell them what I’m doing without feeling defensive?
What is the likelihood that what I’m doing will make it harder in the long-run for the person to change?
How much is what I’m doing actually for ME versus THEM? What am I getting out of it?
Am I trading short-term relief for long-term problems?
What underlying message(s) might this send? Am I communicating things I don’t believe or would never admit to?
Am I getting resentful (or at risk of getting resentful) because of my efforts?
Have other people (such as family, friends, or professionals) said that I’m making the problem worse?
Am I doing this out of fear, guilt, anger, or other strong emotions?
What is the WORST thing that could happen if I don’t do this? Am I believing that I would be responsible for that?
The truth is, because actual help can be uncomfortable, you can’t always know immediately if what you’re doing is beneficial to the other person. If you stop enabling, don’t be surprised if the person you thought you were helping gets upset…and definitely don’t take that as a sign that what you’re doing is wrong. If you decide you want to provide “help” instead, start by taking a step back to “look at the forest” rather than just the trees. what makes sense, not just what alleviates discomfort for you, and get some advice from someone who can be objective and who isn’t afraid to challenge you. Good luck!
About PSYCHē
We found your therapist.
Our goal is simple: We want to connect you with your perfect therapist. The first step is to meet online with an expert PSYCHē clinician who knows the right questions to ask to find out what kind of therapist will be the best fit for you. After hearing your history, goals, and what you’re looking for (and NOT looking for!) we go to work getting you scheduled with someone who can help. Why wait? Leave the searching to us.
Here’s why we do what we do:
Finding a good therapist is hard — we should know. We’ve been hiring, training and supervising therapists since 2009. Not all of them make the cut or stand the test of time. We find good THERAPISTS, not business owners or social media experts, so you get matched with the right clinician the first time. And if it doesn’t work out, we’re here to make it right.
No online directory can make that promise.
A directory tells only part of the story. Just because your neighbor likes someone doesn’t mean they’re a fit for you. The fact is, finding the right therapist can be exhausting. That’s why we’ve done the work for you. Let us pair you with a great therapist. First, book a consultation with one of our in-house therapists who will ask the right questions to find out exactly what you’re looking for. Next, our team of expert clinicians will work their professional magic to pair you with YOUR perfect therapist. The only step left is meeting your therapist and…doing therapy!
You shouldn’t have to find your own therapist.
Sifting through hundreds of therapist profiles online is probably NOT how you want to be spending your time. Word-of-mouth is great, but it’s not always available… and you may not want to see the same therapist as your neighbor or co-worker. We all know that online reviews are biased and the bottom line is, it can be hard to get an idea of what someone is really like until you actually meet them. That takes work, time, and in the case of therapy, money. We’ve done the work for you so finding a therapist for yourself or a loved one doesn’t have to feel like your second job.
If we don’t have the right therapist, we’ll find the right therapist.
Our goal is to contract with good therapists in every state, each with expertise in specific areas. If there is a therapist you need but we don’t have, give us some time and we’ll locate one. Don’t like the therapist we matched you with? No problem, we’ll find another—and you won’t have to go through the annoyance and hassle of doing another information gathering session. Our job is to find you YOUR therapist so you can do your job and feel better fast.
